Somebody is fucking with me.

Who sends a super nice gift anonymously? What’s your angle? And why a coffee grinder? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH?!

24 hours ago this came in the mail.

At first I thought maybe I got drunk and sent myself a present. I'm pretty awesome like that, but It wasn’t in my recent orders. I looked closer and found a gift receipt, but with no name. What. The. Fuck? It’s a bomb. No other explanation. So I open it. Nope. It’s just a really nice coffee grinder… rigged to explode. So I smashed the shit out of it. Nope. Just a really nice broken coffee grinder. Maybe I can say it was damaged in transit and get a new one. Amazon customer service is great.

Wait a second… who has my address? My new address... My ex doesn’t even know my new address. It’s a short list. A very. short. list... Time to make a chart.

Maybe I’ll post about it nicely on Instagram in hopes of luring this son of a bitch out into the light, but that didn’t work. WHO SENT THE GRINDER!? I am not all about mystery in my god damn life right now!

And then, as I turned the box over and over, a small slip of paper fell out.

“Would you like to send a thank you note?” oooh yes, Amazon. I want to send a thank you note straight from the depths of HELL! So after 20 minutes of trying to figure out how to work a QR scanner, I found it. OOOOOOHHHH yeah. I found you, motherfucker. Here’s your thank you! I’ll teach you to be thoughtful and nice!

There's only one problem... I don't know anyone who goes by "James." So it's back to square one. I will find you. And when I find you, I will thank you and then tell you to write your god damn name on the gift next time! What the hell, "James?!"

Seriously, though. Thanks. This grinder is awesome. What an incredibly nice gesture. I’ll find you.

-Mad Dad