I keep coming back to this song lyric over and over: ‘I never wanted it to break.’ And I never did. The problem is that sometimes things break anyway.
Relationships are hard. Everyone knows that. And it profoundly sucks when they don’t work out. If you read the title of this post you’ve probably put it together… Mad Wife and I aren’t going to work out and I’m fucking gutted. This isn’t new. It’s not old either, but Mad Wife made the decision to end things in January of this year and it’s been tough. And to be clear, I’m not about to air my dirty laundry on the internet. Mad Wife was and continues to be a wonderful person despite our differences and I’ll love her till the day I die. She’s a great mother to my kids and was my best friend for 8 years, but that doesn’t make any of this easier or even palatable.
So here I am. A place I never thought I would be. Separated and hurtling towards a divorce. For me, this marriage was always for forever and looking back on it, I suppose that assumption is part of what got me here. Relationships are hard. Marriage is hard. It takes two people to keep a marriage afloat and only one to sink it. I don’t think that it’s really either of our fault exclusively, but at some point in the last 8 years I stopped chasing my wife and didn’t realize we were sinking until I was already in the water.
There’s no denying the fact that the Mad Wife gave me the absolute best 8 years of my life. She gave me two amazing boys who are hilarious and rotten and sweet all at the same time. She gave me a step daughter whom I absolutely adore and who single handedly changed my mind from never wanting kids to wanting some of my own. She gave me her friendship, support, and wit. She also gave me a kitten… more on that later.
I guess I really don’t know what I’m getting at with this post. Writing for me is therapeutic and a hell of a lot cheaper than real therapy. But I guess I’ve also been putting it off for a long time. I’ve been having trouble accepting that it’s over. It hurts. A lot. And while this post is fairly light and doesn’t dwell on anything too heavy, I’m finding it incredibly hard to write.
I never wanted it to break, but it did and here I am.