Mad Dad's Got Wood: Part 2

Alright. This post is super late. Sorry about that. Something about writing on a deadline just rubs me the wrong way. Keep that in mind when I say that I’ll be posting weekly updates. You’ll have the option to either tell me I’m full of shit right then and there or wait 7 days until you have proof and tell me I was full of shit 7 days ago when I said that nonsense.

In any case, the headboard.

Planning is a major part of any woodworking project. Who knew? My buddy did. I didn’t. So I planned it. After asking dozens of questions over as many days, I began to form a rough image in my head. Here’s the thing, I can’t explain it.

“Then draw it out. You need to draw it out so you know what dimensions you’re working with.”

Woah. That’s brilliant. So I set my artistic skills to good use. After about 4 days, I came up with this.

Welcome to the Lady Dungeon and why yes, that is Pumpkin Spice you're smelling, Linda.

“…”

“well?” I said hopefully.

“Is this what you think is going to happen when you build this headboard?”

“Yes.”

“You… ok”

Alright, so apparently my artistic rendering of the headboard wasn’t what he was talking about. Also, I’m a shit artist according to some people. That’s fine, everyone said Van Gogh was a shit artist until he cut off his ear. Then when they talked shit he just looked at them and was like, whatever bitches, I can’t hear you.

I may not be good at art, but I am decent with computers. So I googled some things and came up with TinkerCad.com. I’d highly recommend this site if you’re looking for a simple, cloud based 3D modeling software that you can for lack of a better term, tinker with. After a few hours, I had this.

It still needed more. In my overwhelming desire to complicate an already complex project, I thought: “This headboard needs lights.”

Perfect! Like in a hotel room! Fucking awesome idea, I said to myself. So I began the search and settled on the smallest sconce lights I could find that didn’t look like shit and put them into the design to check and see if they’d work.

And they did! What do you know, my woodworking expert friend really knew what he was talking about. This concept and design phase was critical. I can’t stress enough how this completely made the project feasible. Also, had I not put in these things, I could have wasted a lot of money in unused parts or shitty lights that didn’t work well with the design. All I had to do now was to actually buy the wood. Then sand it. Then sand it a dozen more times and then put it together. How hard could that shit be?

Next week… or so

The Mad Dad’s Got Wood

So when I got my own place in April, two things happened. 1) I had to buy some new furniture, and 2) I came into a lot of free time that I wanted nothing to do with. I needed a project to stay occupied and out of my own head.

So here I was, showing a picture of my new basement room and paint job to a friend at work.

• Me: “I think I’m going to buy a headboard.”
• Friend: “Why don’t you build one?”
• Me: “That could be fun, but I don’t know shit about woodworking.”
• Friend: “Then figure it out. It’s not that hard.”

My friend happens to be a master wood worker. He does it as a hobby, but he could match or exceed his current salary making and selling shit he makes. So at his suggestion, I went to the internet to find a headboard style I liked and he’d help get me started.

I signed up for Pintrest and I wasn’t impressed. In fact, I was Pindisinterested in everything I saw until I found this.

This design excited me. It’s stunning, is it not? So a big shout out to the beautiful and talented Sheri of Hazel+Gold Designs for having a way better blog than I do and for posting her guide to building this headboard. And while you’re checking out her blog, give her Facebook page a like as well.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I REALLY don’t know shit about woodworking. Even still, I can build this, right? Me, the guy whose only experience with wood is when [REDACTED]. The design is perfect, the guide was great, but the more I looked at it, the more I felt it needed something... more. Already I was looking for a way to over complicate this project which is basically the story of my life. In fact, if you look up overengineer in the dictionary you’d see that, 1) it’s a verb and, 2) it means “to make something more complicated than necessary. And while you’re looking that up, I want you to think of me because my picture isn't in there. Webster said it was too racy.

So here we go. My first woodworking project ever and in my head I've already gone way off script. I never even made a birdhouse as a kid so this is gonna be interesting.

And here we have it. This post is the first part in my project series. Check back next week to see how badly I fuck this up… or Don’t. I guess you'll find out next week.

Note: Photos of the Hazel+Gold Designs headboard are owned by Hazel+Gold Designs and have been used here with permission from the owner.

Also, special thanks to K-Liss for the custom artwork in the featured image up top. Check out his work on Facebook and also his webpage! This guy has some good stuff.

The Mad Dad Is Drunk Posting

Ok, so I’m not that drunk, but I’ve got several beers and an abnormally large glass of whiskey under my belt so I’m close enough. Also, it’s been a 12 hour work day with an inordinate amount of mental stress and anxiety so fuck it. I’m tipsy posting.

It’s hard to find things to write about when you don’t plan ahead and decide to write a post with absolutely no inspiration other than, “hey, I’m going to write and see if people read it.” And I know some will read it. If stats mean anything, several hundred of you will read what I have to say. You guys and gals are awesome. And maybe that’s what I’ll write about.

Mad Dad is amazing. I’m not talking about me, although I’m kind of amazing albeit slightly disfigured. I’m talking about the Mad Dad community. Mad Dad started with about 30-40 followers, mostly friends and family, that would read my weird posts about parenting. It was like this for months. Then it happened. Mad Wife went viral. I didn’t do shit to earn it, but I reaped all the benefits. I went from 30 followers to about twelve thousand in a few days. Mad Dad became a legit AF literally overnight. People started reaching out asking to guest blog to boost their own page numbers. I got requests to review products that I agreed to, but it fell through (so far… I gotta follow up with those guys)… But shit. Mad Dad became something I never thought it would. A real Facebook page with a real community of truly amazing men and women whom I’ve grown to respect and love over the past year.

We’re at over 18,000 followers now. That humbles the shit out of me. I’m not that funny, I’m not unique, and quite frankly, there’s a woman out there who could do this 100 times better than me but doesn’t for some reason. But I do try to be genuine. My post “The Mad Wife Wants to be Mad Single” was read by over seven THOUSAND people all over the world. There was nothing funny about that post. It was raw, real, and exposing. I had various drafts of that post on my desktop for months before I finally got the courage to post it and the response was… There are no words. Except to say cut it out to the people hate-mailing Mad Wife. She has her reasons and I still love her so show some respect, please. Hate mail is not helping my situation in the least.

But I learned something of incredible value when I posted that post. It broke my heart to write it and somehow my pain echoed throughout the community. The response and support I got was beyond words. More than that, I learned that I could be myself with The Mad Dad. I could post at my best and my worst. I think that’s when I really truly found my voice. I can be me. I can write whatever the fuck I want. If people don’t like it, they can unfollow and believe me, they do. But the core group here sticks with it and I’m grateful to be able to interact with ALL of you on this blog page.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I had a miserable day today. My marriage is crumbling. I miss my wife so much that I can barely sleep. And I have a soul crushing amount of stress and anxiety in my life that would probably best be met with intensely qualified professional help, but then there’s you. You guys cheered me up tonight. Not just the few that I’ve been bantering back and forth with THIS night, but all of you. To the guy who reached out to say he loved my 1./page and that it inspired him to try and create something of his own to the amateur cake maker asking how my kids were doing after a never ending bout of the flu. The chick that won’t stop talking about Christmas music, the girl who said “keep up the good work” in my first few weeks. The woman who PMed me to ask how I was feeling after my accident… You all are wonderful. I’m blessed… And I hate using that word, but I’m blessed to have this great community of followers who are not only entertained by the stupid shit I have to write, but who are also supportive in ways that they can’t begin to comprehend.

So I guess this is where drunk posting led me. To a great big thank you to everyone who has ever taken the time to like or comment on one of my posts. To every single person who has taken the time to strike up a casual conversation of private messaging. You all make The Mad Dad fun for me. You are why I do this. You help keep me motivated to write and post more when some days I just want to crawl under the covers and drink whiskey. So thanks. A lot. You all are the best and I’m looking forward to growing this community with you. It’s been a wild fucking ride and it has only been getting better.

Cheers.

-Ken

Insiders Note: Most of my posts are heavily edited for content and brevity. This post was written in 30 minutes with a "fuck it" style attitude. If you liked it, let me know. Maybe this isn't such a bad idea.

The Mad Dad Had A Baby

That’s weird. That title cut off and should have read, “The Mad Dad had a baby picture sent to him by one of his friends who just had a baby.” The title that posted is just… well it’s misleading. Let’s leave it at that.

So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. My youngest son’s second birthday is this week and a good friend of mine really did have his first baby. A beautiful little girl they call Madison. He’s a big cheese fan and Madison Wisconsin is known for their rich cheese mines so I guess it makes sense. Anyway, babies are on my mind and I’m feeling nostalgic AF so I figured I’d write about it.

As I look back on my life, there are a few key moments that have defined who I am and who I want to be. I graduated the police academy on July 10th, 2006, I fell in love with my wife on May 30th, 2009, and I landed my dream job on January 4th, 2016. These events shaped my life as a small river shaped the Grand Canyon. The changes were gradual and I had the opportunity to settle into them or, had I wanted to, change directions all together. Having a kid is like getting t-boned in a car at an intersection. Most of us see it coming, but it’ll spin your life around and knock you on your ass. In a good way of course. Like a happy car accident that poops a lot. But the result are nevertheless instant and unsettling. There is no easing into it. As parents, we only have the option to adapt… or adopt I guess. People love buying babies, but I chose to adapt.

Nothing. Not one. Single. Thing. Changed my life so much as the birth of my boys. When my oldest son was born, I had already been a dad for 4 years to my amazing step daughter. But I became a parent to her over time. I became that father figure on my terms and only after building that relationship with her. When you have your own kid, there is no training phase. When they’re born, you’re a parent whether you’re ready or not.

Fortunately for me, my wife, and my boys, I was ready. But anyone who’s had a kid knows that being “ready” to become a parent means fuck all when that baby comes out. That doesn’t make it any less awesome, though. I remember being in the recovery room waiting for mom to be stitched up and returned. Just my son and I; 30 minutes old and grasping my finger while staring at me with those steel colored baby eyes. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces in that moment and even though I eventually put it back together, it was never the same as it had been before. I am fundamentally different and I’ll never be the man I was before I had my son.

Thank God because I sucked.

Looking back on nearly 4 years of being a parent, I realized that having a child is to embark on a journey without a destination. I don’t know where I’m going with my kids, but I know that I love them more than anything in this world and that it’s been a hell of a ride so far. I’ve learned so much from them. I’ve grown more than I could have thought possible and I hope they can learn a few things from me other than how to say “fucking hell” at daycare or that “daddy’s favorite drink is whiskey.”

And I guess that brings me to the point of this pseudo-sensical post. James and Lisa, congratulations on your beautiful baby girl and welcome to the journey. Let me close with a few words of unsolicited and mind blowing wisdom. None of us know what the fuck we’re doing so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Don’t worry about the small shit or the big shits. Be good to each other because parenting is hard and thankless. Stash some grown up sized changes of clothes in your car for when you get shit on at a dinner party (it will  happen). And enjoy every single second of your life right now because you can’t go back.

But you CAN have another if you want to re-live this whole thing… Just saying.

Mad Dad Found a Gangster Pet

Ok, so Mad Wife found it, but I’m taking full credit for everything that happened after. Let’s set the stage: I’m sleeping. It’s early morning. I get a phone call.

Mad Wife: “Do you want a kitten!?”

Me: “What? No. Why?”

Mad Wife & Mad Girl: “WE FOUND A KITTEN AND HE’S THE CUTEST AND YOU HAVE TO KEEP HIM BECAUSE HE'S ALL ALONE AND HE ALREADY LOVES YOU!!!”

Meet Keanu.

So there he was, crossing the street while the wife was dropping the girl off to summer camp. At a vet-estimated 5-6 weeks old and not even a full pound, they scooped him up and took him home. The last thing I wanted was a kitten, but it was my week with the boys so I had to spend time with the little guy whether I wanted to or not. The wife had a few friends who wanted to adopt him, but she really wanted me to take him because he'd be "good for me." So I figured I'd hang out with the little guy and give it a shot.

We watched Keanu that first night and after he spent the entire time headbutting me, purring, kneading my face, and falling asleep on my neck, he was 100% my god damn cat. There was no way in hell I was giving him up.

I took the little guy to the vet 2 days later. He had noticeably gained weight in those two days, but was still malnourished. He had yeast, bacterial, and mite infections in both ears along with just about every parasite a cat can have. But several hundred dollars in vet bills later, I have a healthy and stupidly affectionate kitten to hang out with. He’s pretty cool. In fact, he’s gangster which brings me to the name.

I thought of the name Keanu shortly after Mad Wife suggested it. It fits. You see, Keanu the movie is about a kitten coveted by a drug cartel, a dangerous gangster, two assassins, and two super white black guys who fight all of the above to keep him. Ok… so maybe my situation is nothing like that, but I like the movie and it’s a good cat name. Ok, it’s not a great cat name, but I don’t care what you think. He's my cat now and that's all that matters.

And he's gangster AF.

Disclaimer for the haters: Keanu was registered with the county found pets program and Mad Wife posted on several local community message boards. As of the publishing of this post, it's been about 4 weeks since he was found and nobody has come forth to claim him. He's mine now, bitches! Suck it!